Monday, November 21, 2005

Stroking someone else’s pussy

My downstairs neighbor requested something unusual from me this weekend.

“Hey, I don’t know if you are gonna be around this week, but I’ll reward you with beer and tequila if you take care of my pussy.”

“Well I’ve never done that before” I thought. My unusually high cell phone bills this month HAVE eaten into my beer budget….. soooo, I GUESS I could give it a shot. “What do I have to do EXACTLY?”

“All you have to do is give it some love. Once every two days is enough, but everyday is better. You can stroke it a little when you come home from work. That would be fine.”

I told my neighbor I would do it. Now, I’ve never really understood cats…. there have been a few I have grown to love, but I never knew if they loved me back. Because here is my theory…. Cats are the players of the animal kingdom. They shower you with attention and affection, and just as you think you are getting close, moments later they act like they don’t know you. They move onto their next conquest. Then all of a sudden you are sitting there, smoking a cigarette, black eyeliner running down your cheeks, voice trembling…. “what does that cardboard box have that I don’t?”

So today after work I approached “Grandpa” with caution. He meowed sadly from my neighbor’s kitchen as I fumbled around with the keys. As soon as I walked in, he twirled around my ankles and rubbed against my legs….. but I wasn’t going to fall for it. I fed him and stroked him like my neighbor wished, but kept myself detached from the moment by reading the mail and drinking my free beer while I did it. I robotically stroked and stroked, but just as I was about to examine the new take-out pizza menu, Grandpa let out this amazing purr. It was this deep and long vibration. It was so calming to pleasure another being so easily like that…. it would be heartless to stop. So I picked Grandpa up and took him to the porch for a change of scenery. We cuddled on the porch with a Corona and listened to and watched the rain come down. With each second I got more comfortable and slouched deeper into the couch. Grandpa’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he did this weird wiggly thing with his ears. I think that meant he liked it. And just as I was thinking about how I was enjoying this perfect little wholesome moment of my day…. Grandpa decided he was bored with me. He got up and ran after some wet pussy… otherwise known as Sophia, the block's “cat slut” to go dumpster diving.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Things I learned in October

1. Guy's after-shave lotion + Neosporin heal bike-accident wounds amazingly well.
2. A hug is worth a thousand words.
3. Philadelphia Cream Cheese is the poor-man's imported goat cheese. I substitute it for recipes that call for goat cheese... it tastes good with roasted beet salad.
4. Always wash your face before going to bed.... even if you drank too many mojitos on Halloween and passed out with 99-cent CVS fake blood on your face. (Good news, my rashes are almost gone)
5. If you are quiet and dress moderately well and aren't wearing anything too loud, you can quickly walk into many offices and make a fax or a copy for free. "Act like you belong."
6. The harmonica is really a difficult instrument. Much harder than the violin.
7. Jacob's ladder is one of the scarier movies I have seen in years. I think its from the late '80's..... Tim Robbins looks really young.
8. Sometimes a girl needs to be cat-called. Sure, its belittling and annoying on a daily basis, but when you stop hearing it you miss it. When you get thrown over the handlebars of your bike, land on your face, and come home looking like one of the members of Fight Club, it can make anyone feel a little less confident. I was worried that with my chin bruised and swollen, I looked more like Jay Leno. So the other day I'm riding home on my bike, I'm thinking of how my boss said I looked like "road kill", another teacher called me "bruiser" and then I pass this roofer on the street who simply said "hey pretty eyes." It was exactly what I needed. He may never know how he made my week.
9. Track 6 on the new Fiona Apple album is amazingly simple, raw, stripped down and honest. I think it contains my favorite song lyrics of the year.... "And from the first to the last time the sign said 'stop' But we went on whole-hearted it ended bad, But I love what we started."
10. Washington Square was a massive burial ground in the 1800s when people were dying rapidly due to the highly-contagious Yellow Fever. No wonder it isn't as popular as Rittenhouse Square.